I have just finished watching my video, the one that initiated this whole discussion about the mother wound. I was minding my own business and researching the impact that our childhood has on how we mother our children and, it clicked that there was a big disconnect from my childhood. My aunt raised me (which I am grateful for) and not my mother (which I wish she had, because – that’s normal!). The truth is that the dynamics of my childhood have left me with a mother wound, which I did not know cut so deep until a few days ago. Here’s my journey of healing the mother wound; I hope that it helps you in your journey.
Going down memory lane
I was in grade R when I stopped staying with my mother. My memory of when I did stay with her is very vivid. I stayed with my Father’s side of the family and, I would visit my mother now and then (it wasn’t often). I did not have a problem with that when I was younger because to me that was the uniqueness of our family.
However, I did long for a relationship with her in my high school years but, I did not know where to start and, it honestly felt like the circumstances were not conducive for me to pursue the relationship. Do I wish I had tried harder? I do! Unfortunately, I cannot turn back the hands of time. I did not hate my mother, and I know that she didn’t hate me but I won’t lie and say that I know what it feels like to be loved by her. We were, for lack of a better word, strangers for 24 years of my life. We didn’t know much about each other.
I wrote an Instagram post a few years ago speaking about how I had blamed myself in a way for my mother’s death. After which I felt that this chapter of my life was closed. Little did I know that my relationship with my daughter would trigger me, that her questions about what I did for my mother on Mothers Day would cause me to ask questions! The questions flooded my thoughts and, I started wondering why I did not stay with my mother in the first place. I wanted to know why that decision was made and by whom.
The difficult conversations
I had so many questions and I did not know what to do with them, I started making assumptions and speculating and, I quickly saw that that was leading me down the wrong path. I began drawing conclusions that I had no business drawing. So I decided to ask people who are still alive about that, which was hard because children do not question adults where I come from! Moreover, I was worried about the questions making me appear ungrateful or as if I am implying that those who raised me did a horrible job.
I spoke to my husband, who supported me and told me that my questions were valid. I also chatted to my Spiritual Mom for guidance and direction before asking the questions. When I finally asked (with knots in my stomach might I add!) I found out that I moved to stay with my Dad and his family because my Mom was young and, at the time, she wasn’t financially able to take care of me. Nobody knows why she decided not to fetch me after my Father passed. The assumption is that she thought I was better off with my Dad’s side of the family.
Where I am now.
I get that the intentions were good, but I still wish I had a relationship with my mother. Saying that I do not wish that she was still here so that I can ask her the questions directly would be a lie because, in all honesty, there are some that only she can answer!! However, I am choosing to be at peace with the fact that I will never get to ask her anything. I am choosing to believe that, at the time, everyone did the best that they could with the knowledge they had about parenting. All my experiences have made me the woman that I am today.
- Am I there yet? No!
- Does it hurt? Yes!
- Do I feel like it was unfair? Yes!
- Am I ignoring my feelings? No!
- Will I stay here? No! I am yielding myself to the process and speaking to my support system about my feelings and state of mind.
If you have a mother wound that you are trying to heal, I see you! Heck, I am you!! May you choose to walk the healing journey as hard as it may be. I hope you know that it is not your fault and with that said, I hope you forgive and accept so that you can be set free. May you seek the help that you need, may you have the courage to ask the questions if need be and, have the discernment to know which questions to ask! May you walk the journey as challenging as it is because it is the beginning of your empowerment!
Parenting has a way to make us relive our childhood. In this video I talk about navigating that: